Sunday, May 2, 2010

Day 1

I did it. I sent my husband off to war.

We pulled over twice on the way back to Arizona so I could throw up. My nerves really got to me. I never thought I would miss someone so much that I would physically become ill.

I feel anxious and nervous. I also feel abandoned even though I wasn't. He wanted to deploy but he didn't want to leave me. He didn't want me to feel this way. I know he didn't want to leave me standing in a parking lot crying and watching him leave. Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I knew that we loved each other a lot but after saying goodbye to one another I know that the love we have is uncommon. I don't think that many people get to experience the love that we share. I think people can talk or even write about the love they have for someone but the love we have is unexplainable. Weikle is my other half. He is my best friend. I can't even begin to express in words the feeling I get when I look at him. If I have a question, Weikle has the answer. That is just how it is. I count on him for everything. Life is not the same without him here to experience it with me. I told him that no one will know what I am talking about when I say "Totes Magotes". If you have ever seen the movie I Love You, Man than you should know what I am talking about, and if you haven't than you are proving my point. I once told Weikle when we were laying in bed that the reason we are so good for each other is because he is the man version of me. If I were a man I would be exactly like him. He replied by saying "Yeah Britt, but if I were gonna be a girl I would be exactly like you just with bigger boobs" and we both started laughing uncontrollably.

I'm not sure what I will do when I smell his pillow and it doesn't smell like him anymore. He always took a shower before bed so his pillow smells like Old Spice and shampoo. I wear his clothes to bed, I sleep with his favorite blanket, I have his TV on and constantly watch our favorite show, The Office. I do cry sporadically, and I do feel very overwhelmed and cry out for him before I fall asleep and just wish he could be here. I'm scared for him and I'm scared for me. I hate that I cannot be there to take care of him. He hates that he can't take care of me. He says I am "Itty bitty and teeny weeny" and that I need to remember that. He left me his bayonet (knife) and showed me how to use it. When he is with me I know I am safe, and now I feel alone and vulnerable. I have never felt so alone when I am surrounded by people. I don't think I will ever get used to saying goodbye to him.

I got a phone call late last night and very early this morning. They have had phones available for them to call home on their trip over there. Its amazing how much a phone call helps. I don't know when he will call next, he said probably 2 weeks. So I will be waiting, which is something I absolutely hate.

Please excuse any typos or incorrect sentence formats. Also sorry if any of it is confusing. I'm exhausted and just writing to express the way I feel.

Semper Fi.

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