Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 6 (What an exciting Friday night!)

This is a chart that I received when going to the Pre-Deployment Brief in late March. I absolutely HATE this chart. What does "In the Groove" mean? A week before he deployed I wrote on this, hence the writing in red, and hung it up on our fridge. This chart doesn't help me, it just irritates me...

It was this time last Friday that I was packing up my home (an apartment that was OUR home) and preparing to say goodbye. I cannot believe it has only been a week, while on the other hand, it feels like I just let go of his hand and just stopped kissing him. I still have not heard from him, which is hard. Nothing prepares your marriage for a sudden "cut off" of communication. As soon as he would walk in the door when he got home from work I would throw myself at him and ask him about his day. He always said he could tell when I didn't do anything all day because I was like a little kid all "wired up" and wanting to play. He was right, I didn't do much all day. But I made sure that he had breakfast every morning, lunch packed, and a kiss on his way out the door. It was the least I could do, I didn't work or go to school. Just because I made him breakfast every morning doesn't mean it was good every morning! I am a great cook, but at 0400, that is a different story! His fried eggs would come out more scrambled than they should have been and his toast would only be halfway buttered, but I did my best for not being able to see because the lights were too bright. He appreciated it, and he made sure I knew. He even tried to pretend that my day was exciting when I told him about it. He tried to act like he was extremely proud when I showed him a spider that I had saved in a container after I had killed it. He asked, "How did you kill it without squishing it?". Good days or bad days it didn't matter, he wanted to know about it. I find myself wanting to text him to tell him about my day when I realize his phone is sitting on the table next to me. Its hard not having my best friend around and when it feels easy I start to feel guilty. I feel like it shouldn't be easy for me to just go on living without him here to live it with me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but its hard not to. I know that he is waking up over there right now, putting his camis on, lacing up his boots...and I hope that he thinks about me while he does these things. I hope he knows that I am sitting here thinking about him every second of the day. I hope he knows that he is still wanted and needed by me. That just because he is gone doesn't mean things are changing.

The girl he left behind is still behind him.

--Hope you all have a safe and exciting Mothers Day weekend!

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