Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Life (Day 61)

What to say....what to say? Life has been moving fast, and that is perhaps an understatement. I haven't blogged in over a week, not such a good idea. I will just briefly touch on a few things and later go into more detail - or maybe not - so much to say, not enough time.

It has been officially 2 months since the hubbs left. It feels like it has gone by very fast and very slow all at the same time, which is expected. I miss him terribly and probably the most stressed out I have been since he left. Like I said in the last post, he is out and about and prayers are greatly appreciated. I can't even begin to explain the sickness in my stomach as of late, it is almost unbearable at times. I find myself crying for silly reasons (more on that later) and I swear this man is my other half and I am being split in two. No one said this was going to be easy, but damn, this is ridiculous. Come home babe, I need you.

I need to give thanks, actually I need to give about 5 minutes of praising to someone who has been a complete life saver recently. Kelli, a woman I met in my English class this semester, has been absolutely amazing to me and I can not say how grateful I am enough. If you are reading this Kelli, thank you-thank you-thank you. I will also say that this woman is by far one of the most intelligent, caring, and down to earth people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her and her family are constantly doing things that are admirable, constantly helping others and just constantly giving. She is someone I have learned from and definitely someone I hope to resemble when I am her age. I am thrilled to have met her and her family and hope we will remain in touch.

So, English class will officially be done tomorrow. 15 page research paper-check. Powerpoint presentation- check. Never having to take another English class- check. This class was by far the hardest 5 weeks of my life and I don't think I have put any more time and effort into anything else in my life. Can you say exhausting? (And yet I am up til 11pm).

Because of the amount of time I have spent finishing up my project, I have lost a lot of sleep. I have had no time to do anything else (blogging especially), and no time for myself. To sum it up, I have been tired and grumpy. Being tired and grumpy has made me an emotional wreck. Driving home I have cried for no reason, laying in bed I have cried for no reason... just a sobbing mess. Some how I pull myself together, put my face on, eat breakfast and carry on the rest of the day. But it has been hard. In the past week I have gone from being angry to just curling up in a ball and crying for my husband to come home, even for a second, just to get one of those amazing kisses or one of those tight hugs. I have felt a little unsupported throughout this semester, not being able to share my accomplishments with my hubby has been hard. Basically I would wait for him to get home from work, tell him everything I was so proud of myself for doing (one time that included killing a spider LOL) and listen to him tell me how equally proud of me he was. I will say, that if he were here, that if he could see the things I am doing and the things I will be doing, he would be proud. He would be DAMN proud. That is what drives me.

When I spoke with the hubby the other day I started crying for a minute, he said, "Britt don't cry it's okay". I told him I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I asked him, "How do you do it babe? How do you do what you do?". I asked him how he could be so strong. How can he miss me so much, work such long hours, and deal with the living conditions he does? How can he do that without ever crying? Without ever complaining? It blows my mind... here I am saying how tired I am after a week of hard times, and he never gets a day off... He asked me "Like what day is it? Is it a Saturday or like Wednesday?". How he does what he does, I will never know.

I do know why he does what he does. It took me quite awhile to realize why he would risk not coming home to me, why he would risk his life (Obviously I know he loves what he does, and loves the Marine Corps). But I realized that it is because he loves what he has so much. He loves me and the life we have and wants other people to have it too. It was at this moment (a few months ago) that I agreed that it was okay for him to go to war (Wasn't my choice, he would have to go anyway...but I like to think I had a say). And I will leave you with one last thing about the hubby--I told him when he goes "out and about" he better not try to be a hero or anything (selfish of me). He said "I would rather die saving another Marines life than come home alive knowing I didn't". And I replied "Me too". And I believe at this moment, I became a real Marine wife.

California for 2 weeks of Friday! Ahh vacation....I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Feels oh so good.

Friday, June 25, 2010

It's Official (Day 56)

I am spoiled. Not afraid to admit it, I am spoiled by my husband. I would also like to say, once again, that I am very lucky. I spoke with him today and seriously think it was one of the top 3 conversations we have ever had. The best ones are where we can talk about the past and the future and it almost seems as if he were here, as if we didn't have that many more days to go. It's a feeling I wish I could feel more often, and thanks to my emotions I did cry when I was talking to him. Only for a second, because being the amazing husband he is, he made me feel better. I said, like I always say, that I wished I could be take care of him, to love him, to share his experiences with him, etc. I have fully explained how I could mail myself to him and live under his rack for the next 5 months, but he says he doesn't want me to see the things he is seeing. Typical. But I understand, plus it would probably cost an arm and a leg to mail myself to Afghan-ass-tan. He told me I am taking care of him by holding down the fort here in the states and by making sure he comes home to a well put together home. CHECK, that's easy. How amazing that was to hear, that he thinks I am taking care of him....all these things I am doing I didn't realize he would care and appreciate so much. He does, and that feels amazing. Besides him being home, I have everything here that I need, everything I need to take care of myself while he is away. He made sure of it. He even bought me a car before buying himself the truck he has wanted for so long. What an unselfish person. He has left me here with enough love to survive for years, but would never let it come down to that. No, he's coming home to spoil me some more. A spoiling I will never take for granted, a husband I will never not feel lucky to have and to hold for the rest of my life. This man, this Marine, brings out the best in me. Maybe no one will ever understand why I got his name tattooed on me, but I will always know... a piece of him is always with me, no matter where the corps takes him, he's mine all mine til the day I die and I've never wanted nothing more.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Half Baked (Day 54)

No I'm not stoned (haha)... I went tanning with my friend Lauren today (If you're reading this, you know what I am about to say). I have MAJOR tan lines, but only on the front of my body. Dark tan lines on front, hardly at all tan on the back side. Neither Lauren or I like to lay on our stomaches, its hard to breathe okay? Therefore, we are left with not so sexy tan lines and are half baked. Maybe tomorrow we will only be laying on our stomaches to make up for today? Just maybe.

The hubby is even more in danger now, so to speak. He is out and about. Just asking everyone to pray, pray, pray for him and all the other guys out there. Just want this deployment to be done with....but until then, staying strong and holding down the fort. Makin him proud, like he is making me.

While I am going to bed, he is 4 hours into starting his morning.
Off to visit him in dreamland...

-P.s. June is almost over!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Day Fifty Three

New numbers say we are 27% done with this deployment; Come on 30, come on!

While the hubs is off patrolling through unknown territory, here I am driving the same 45 minute drive to school 4 days a week, getting information shoved into my brain for 4 hours and taking the same 3 hour nap everyday when I get home. You think thats exciting? If you only knew what my weekends consisted of! I'm guessing since we are almost to the 2 month mark I should be dealing with this very well and thinking everything is hunky dory. Ehh negative. I'm still counting down the hours, I'm still getting into bed every night wishing he was with me, and I'm still going through life without my best friend. I don't think this gets easier, I think you just learn to become a zombie and do the sleep; eat; school; sleep; eat; sleep; routine. I sleep A LOT. Mostly I like sleeping because he's with me, considering I dream about him every night. I like the idea that the more I sleep the closer I am to getting a phone call, reading that new email, and holding that sign when he gets off that bus....

Summer semester is almost over...whew! I'm going to write a little note to self and say never, ever again shall I take summer courses. 5 more class periods and I will never be setting foot on that campus again.

July will be full of sun, beaches, and family. Going to California (yay!) for July 4th weekend to take care of some things and see my fellow Marine wife (and she's a Marine). I have an appointment set up at the apartment complex I am hoping to be living in at the beginning of September. Keep your fingers crossed that they have availability! I will be there for 4 days, back in AZ for 4 days and then off to California again with the family for a week. Then I think we should all hope that the rest of July and August go by extremely fast so I can be packing up and moving, sound like a plan?

AND I would like to mention that my husband would be super proud of me if he were here. One reason, probably the best reason, is because I have been working hard in school and I am expecting 2 A's. The next reason is because I picked up the couches on Saturday that I bought, and they are pretty much aaaamazing. Soo comfortable and I know they will be just what he wants after a long day at work. Not to brag, but damn do I have amazing taste in things. Including my husband :]

Off to do homework, scratch that, off to do everything but homework and then do homework at the last possible second.

Friday, June 11, 2010

In My Thoughts [Day 41]

Death is nothing new in Afghanistan but lately there have been a lot of fallen Marines and other service men. I think about their families, wives especially, and children. I think about them receiving the news and what a difficult time they are going to be going through, forever. Every casualty report hits me hard, I feel for these families. Just remember that everyday your going on living your life while someone else is being told that their loved one has lost theirs...keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

I don't really have any updates on Weikle, they have been in river city (when a Marine dies, they shut off communication to or from the base until the families have been notified) for awhile now. He should be getting my next package soon, I hope.

School is making time go by fast like I expected. I have so much homework that I am staying up way too late and waking up way too early (not a morning person) and have been extremely tired. In about 3 weeks I have a 14 or so page research paper due. I am writing about the impacts of war on military families in the U.S. So far it is turning out good. My history class is amazing, I have never learned so much in my life. My hubby will be very proud when he comes home :] And that makes me want to learn that much more.

This weekend I am going with my mom shopping. I told Weikle about HomeGoods and how many things I saw there that I wanted (for our home when he comes back) and he told me that I could go there and get whatever I wanted. He said he could tell how happy it would make me and that's what he wanted. Could I have a better husband? All he ever wants is for me to be happy, and even from so far away he still manages to do so. He told me that I have to wait for him to call me to tell him what I bought so he could hear how excited I am....I can't wait!

I'm sure I have a lot more things to write about but I am not in a very creative writing mood.
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

It Has Been Forever [Day 36]

Ok, maybe not forever. But damn does it feel like forever. Trying to stay positive and say "Hey this isn't so bad" and then I think about how many weeks we have left....ugh. I cannot believe I still have so long to go before he comes home. I start to get really busy and feel like I don't have enough time to get things done before his homecoming and then BAM! I realize I have plenty of time....

I am loving my school schedule, I hate it when the alarm goes off but I love it when I am done at noon. So far I have gotten a lot of homework but it's keeping me busy and I am learning quite a bit.

4 out of 6 packages have safely (intact) arrived in Helmand Province, Afghanistan. The mail isn't taking as long as I thought to get there, which is a relief. Still a little butt hurt about the fact that I can't receive a picture of him. But hopefully soon, 1st Battalion 11th Marines is now on Facebook and trying to keep everyone informed on how our men are doing. Well, I don't mean to be a "Debbie Downer" but I don't want to know how he is doing, I want to see how he is doing. I want him here. I want him to know how much I love and need him.

Come on June, be over with already.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

1 Month [Day 32]

I can't say that this month has gone by fast, but I can't say it has gone by slow either.

It just has sort of...happened. Before Weikle left we talked a lot about how these 7-10 months were going to be and had said that the first and last month were going to be the hardest. That has gotten me through the first month, knowing that I knew it was going to be hard. Now I am at the point where I am supposed to be "in the groove" and not sure what that is supposed to feel like. I have my good days and then some days aren't so good. Something happens and I want to cry, I want to cry until he comes home. Then about 5 minutes into crying I realize I have way to much time left until he comes home. It is hard to have bad days and not have the one person that makes everything better be here for me. No one can or ever will make me feel the way he does. A lot of the time I just want to be by myself, no civilians, no college students, and no family. Just me, myself, and I. I want to be sitting in my apartment waiting for him to get off work and come home to me. Then I realize that I would probably be going crazy sitting there by myself and being alone all of the time. Noticing a pattern here? I have NO idea what it is I should be doing with myself right now, so everyday I just go on doing what it is I have to do and most of the time it is without much thought or any thought at all. I'm in my own little world of stress, worry, and feeling split in two. School feels like a waste of time, like I am learning about things that are not of importance... that the things in my life feel so much bigger than anything you read in an English text book. And even though they may not be, this is how I feel. I never could have imagined that this would be this hard, that I could love someone so much or that someone could love me so much. Or even that I could have a relationship with someone that isn't even the slightest bit effected by being 8,000 miles away from each other.

This picture was taken as I was putting the ring on Weikle's finger on December 30th 2009...and every time I look at it I remember that night, the way his cologne smelt, how happy he was, the family, the laughter, the shock of us actually getting married...a year ago I never would have thought I would have met a man like Weikle and now I cannot imagine if I hadn't. It sounds cheezy but everyday I still feel lucky to be with him and I don't think that will ever wear off.