Tuesday, September 28, 2010

In Afghanistan or Not... (Day 151)

I thought day 150 was going to feel a lot better than it did. It was actually just another day, just another number. And now I have a new countdown. I physically cannot function for a day without thinking that I just want it to be tomorrow, I just want another week to be over. Another month to come and go faster than the last.

Lets look at the time since he left.

151 days.

22 weekends.

Almost 5 months.

217,440 minutes.

3,264 hours.

10 pay checks.

Probably 300 emails.

Around 40 hours of phone conversation.

No Skype.

40 or so pictures.

I sat on my couch yesterday, covered up with our feather blanket and closed my eyes. I tried to think of the first night of him being home. I tried to imagine him laying next to me, seeing him look back at me, being able to hold his hand. I got so close to imagining kissing him and then I lost it. The visual in my head went away. Certain daydreams can seem so real, he was almost here and then BAM, the images were gone. It might seem exaggerated, but in all honesty, it's not.

He's my best friend. I miss the smart ass comments, him making fun of me, him chasing me around the apartment. He would do anything for me. He doesn't care if he ends up happy, he doesn't care if he benefits from it or not. He's tired, dirty, and sick right now and he still looks out for me. He hasn't showered alone, pissed in a real toilet, watched TV, had real sheets, worn a pair of jeans, ate a home cooked meal, gotten "any", or kissed his beautiful wife in 5 months. And has NEVER complained. Yes, I do get the phone calls where he isn't in a good mood, where he's irritated and tired, but never heard a complaint. Except that he's excited to come home.

When we say our wedding vows again I believe we will be throwing in an extra line...

In sickness and in health, in Afghanistan or not, til death do us part.

Me and my best friend, forever. I'd do anything for him, 8,000 miles away or not.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Friday Nights. (Day 147)

Oh how I hate Friday nights. It's funny how things change. When you're in high school, Friday nights are pretty much your entire world. Football games, dances, parties, etc. And maybe after high school you still count on Friday nights to make the week a little better. I used too. And then my Fridays became the day to wait. Or should I say, "hurry up and wait". That's when it all started. I worked hard all week at school, wore his sweatshirt when I missed him, and very impatiently waited for him to show up at my door in the late hours of Friday nights. It was always different, sometimes 11 o'clock and sometimes 2 in the morning. Sometimes I could stay awake until he got there and sometimes it just wasn't happening. Every 5 days for almost 3 months, it was the same Friday night.

Then, we got married. Most of the time, Friday nights were amazing because it meant not waking up at zero 5 to send him off to work. But sometimes Friday nights were more than that, it was the best dinner of the week, no bed time, and just us - Marine Corps not included for 2 days.

Now, to put it nicely, Friday nights are no fun. They suck. If he were home we probably wouldn't be doing anything too much different - just laying on the couch watching movies, enjoying each other. But Friday nights spent alone are painful. I sit and wonder what he's doing, which is never the same thing I am doing because my Friday night is his Saturday afternoon. It's just hard. Living close to base means my apartment complex is full of Marines, and civilians of course, who still enjoy their Friday night regardless of whether or not I am. And, if I haven't heard from him in awhile it makes it even harder to get through the weekend. The days just drag on.

It's crazy to think that we are almost 5 months through this deployment. It's even crazier to think about how "unreal" his homecoming seems. I miss him so much and I still cry every so often when the world seems to be working against me. It seems like the littlest things can set me off just because of how much I miss him. But, when I think about him coming home - I don't feel like he ever will. It's gotten to the point where I am used to missing him. I'm used to not feeling him, seeing him, touching him, knowing him. And I guess that's what the Marine Corps considers "in the groove". You still miss them just as much, you just get used to it. Missing him is an every day thing, it's part of my daily schedule to stop and think about him and now my brain doesn't know anything different. So I guess it's like when he left...It didn't feel like he was leaving until the bus pulled away and it won't feel like he's coming home until I'm in his arms. And I have to be okay with that. I have to be okay with being used to missing my husband. That is hard.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I've Had Enough (Day 142)

I have had enough of the bad things in life lately. Pretty much anything that could have went wrong in the past 4 weeks or so, has gone wrong.

I'm not going into great detail because just thinking about the things I had to deal with in the past few days makes me mad. And, it's not exciting. So just consider yourself lucky that you didn't have the past couple days that I did. Deal?

Something I have been meaning to write about for awhile is about people, specifically about past/present friends. It's funny what a deployment can help you realize. You first realize just how many people don't and never will understand what you're going through. That is probably the hardest part. It's the week after he left and you stand in Wal-mart and listen to the person in front of you complain about how long the line is when you realize just how ignorant some people are. Living their lives so easily and complaining about shit that doesn't even matter. The second thing you realize is that all the friends who said they would be there, that they would help you through the 7 months - they don't stick around. You realize the third thing when you have friends who have a boyfriend or maybe even a husband who they like to complain a lot about, or brag a lot about. Well, either one during a deployment is like a knife slowly going through your stomach. When you miss your husband like I have for the past 5 months, little complaints about the garbage not being taken out just seem stupid. When you miss your husband like I do, you don't want to hear how great date night was last week. Simple as that. Any one of the ladies going this deployment right now will probably support me on that one. And last, you will definitely realize that the person you least expected to be good friends with, the person you least expected would be there to make things easier will be the one to trust. Thank you Natasha :] You're awesome. And I'm completely shocked at the treatment from previous "really good" friends, compared to knowing you for a week or two. Who would have thought huh? Oh and you're gonna be my neighbor in approximately 11 days. No big deal.

That's all I feel like writing tonight even though I could write a whole lot more.
Hope everyone has a great week! :]

P.S. We're almost to day 150!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

It's That Time of Year (Day 139)

No, I'm not talking about Fall. After growing up in Arizona I would be lying to you if I said I couldn't wait for the leaves to change, for the sweaters and scarves, and the cooler weather. Nor can I say I will be impatiently waiting for "Indian Summer" which my husband explained to me the other night.

This time last year my life changed. After weeks of my friend telling me I had to meet this guy, and me telling her "No, he looks like a total idiot/dork I don't want to meet this guy", I finally gave in and met him. I met him at the fine establishment of Buffalo Wild Wings. I was dressed very appropriately - short white shorts, black FMF strapless top, and purple bandana tied up in my hair. Oh and did I mention the road rash all over the side of my leg from crashing on a bicycle drunk in Havasu? Yeah, all true. Neither one of us had thought anything of each other really. A few days later was when he showed up at my friends house when I was a little more than hungover.

So September 15th was the day we met, and the 22nd was the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even though neither one of us expected any of this to happen, we're both glad I said yes...

Now the moment we've all been waiting for (not really, but it sounds good)...mostly doing this for us to reminisce about, it may bore you. That's your warning.

Our Timeline

Day 1 - You woke me up at Johna's house. You said, "Hey do you have any extra blankets?" and I responded, "They're in the dryer". And you got really excited for some nice, clean, warm blankets and then found out there wasn't any in the dryer (I was drunk still and before I left my house my mom told me my blankets were in the dryer...). Then I responded by running to the bathroom every 5 minutes after that and vomitting. I nailed my second impression - it was so part of my plan.

Day 4 - You asked me to be your girlfriend, followed by asking me to be your date to the Marine Corps Ball. I was stoked babe.

Day 14 - Went to a family get-together and told everyone I was going to marry you. They tried to talk me out of it. You came to Arizona after being in the field for 2 weeks. I just knew you were the one...

Day 23 - Trip to San Diego, we had a BBQ at Barrientos' house. On the way there you said something and I very easily replied, "Awww I love you". We had never said I love you to each other. I blushed, covered my mouth, and gasped. You later gave me a hug and said, "I do love you too Britt."

Day 35 - One month together.

Day 42 - Marine Corps Ball. Good times babe.

Day 50 - I drove to San Diego to be with you for your 4 day weekend :] We ate gas station food and watched at least 100 movies.

Day 66 - 2 months together.

Day 96 - Trip to Ohio to meet your family. Oh - and to tell them we were getting married..in a week.

Day 108 - I married you. With chronic bronchitis, and 5 hours of sleep in two weeks, in a strapless dress on December 30th 2009. December, in OHIO. Let's just say Ohio doesn't like native Arizona girls.

Day 118 - I packed up and moved to California.

Day 146 - Our reception in Arizona. Anyone who was there - picture Weikle on the dance floor around 9pm. Now, stop laughing :]

Day 158 - You left for the field for 1 month, and I thought I missed you then. (Slap myself for that one).

Day 187 - You came home from the field and I swear I fell even more in love with you. I was sitting in the apartment and wondering why it was 1830 and you weren't home yet...then I heard that heavy El Camino door slam...!? I took off running down the stairs and there you were. Dirty, tired looking, and damn sexy. I wanted to kiss you, but I kind of stood there and looked at you first like I didn't know you. I got the usual "Hey Weiner" and then an absolutely amazing kiss. I helped you carry your stuff up to the apartment and I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning. I'm not really sure how many times we made out that night, too many to count. I felt like I hadn't kissed you in forever. I didn't even know. But I am going to take a second and say, I sent you off with 3, yes 3, batches of brownies and told you, "Don't break my SnapWare". You came home and only 1 clip was broken off of a lid. Okay ladies, after a month in the field with the Marine Corps way of life, SnapWare held up amazing! I love love love SnapWare. They are scratched and look like they have seen some shit, but they still do their job.

Day 201 - Your parents came to California, beautiful weather, beach time, Hollywood and
Beverly Hills. This was your pre-deployment leave.

Day 204 - Vegas! With your parents.

Day 229 - You left for Afghanistan and I became half the person I used to be.

I love you babe, and I am soooo very thankful that I met you a year ago.

-Side Note: Hubby re-enlisted, Hubby is officially Sergeant, and we'll be in California til August/September of next year. Ohhh and about 2 months and the hubby will be in route on his way home.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Lack of Internet, Cali, and Then Some.

first, let me tell you i dont have internet right now except for the browser on my droid. this would be why i cannot capitalize or punctuate anything. i tried to wait and blog until the sixteenth when i got my internet set up but i just couldnt wait. so if you would like to bare with me on this, here it goes...

being in california feels great, it really does. there are some downfalls though. every homecoming sign, every freshly shaved head, every other car driving by with a marine in it...its like a knife going into my stomach. it makes me miss him even more than i did. who knew that was possible? not me. the sun starts to lower around five oclock and i can almost hear his el camino pull into the parking lot, that heavy, real metal door slams and his boots pound up the stairs...but its not him, its just the guy next door coming home to his wife. the smell of my coffee creamer in the morning, italian sweet creme, reminds me of waking up after he has already left for work. the closet should be full of his stuff but its not. not even close. stacks and stacks of woodland camis but no desert camis. those are with him, where i wish i could be. southwest airlines really needs to look into non stop flights from san diego, california to marjah, afghanistan. it would be a huge money maker, thats for sure. well, i think so.

there is quite a few things that i havent done for almost a week. one, i havent talked to my husband. this could be contributing to the emotional post about missing him so much. im just extremely worried about him, i know he is in a dangerous place. i know i shouldnt but i constantly check casualty reports to see where the action is. and after checking tonight, he is definitely where the action is. second, i havent worn pants in almost a week. i dont mean i have been wearing shorts...just not wearing anything. bachelor status much? i have been cooking for myself though, let me tell you, thats kind of a waste of time...

the new place is great, i love it. its missing the person that makes it complete, the person who makes me complete. i need him to leave his boots in the middle of the floor so i can trip on them in the middle of the night, i need his crunchy socks laying on the couch when i get up in the morning...i would love to watch him eat dinner in less than two minutes and i would love for him to laugh at my messy hair at five in the morning when im trying to cook an egg. ohhh the things i would give anything for right now...

i do have to say that i have great neighbors here. two guys that are roommates, one is in the army, the other in the air force. weird, i figured they would be marines. but nonetheless, very nice guys. i set my trash outside the door because it was dark and i was too afraid to take it out, i woke up to find one of them took it out for me on the way to work. so i made some brownies, who doesnt love brownies? and took them over to them. the only issue for me here right now is that i dont know where my mailbox is...think i could just wait three months until weikle gets home to check the mail? im seriously considering it.

off to bed. hope everyone has an awesome weekend. i would use an exclamation point but no, droid wont let me. six days until internet...ugh.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

125 days, 126th night.

Sometimes I look at the timer on this blog and think it's useless. It doesn't ever really matter what the number is, it doesn't matter how far we've come, because we still have so much longer to go. And you're probably thinking 2 and a half months is nothing...and you're right. 2 and a half months is nothing, but not when you have already gone 125 days. Not when I haven't looked at my husband since May 1st. Not when I have spent 125 nights laying in bed and wondering how he is, where he is, and if he's thinking about me too. It's hard to look at 2 and a half months and say that it's "nothing".

It's hard telling civilians what it's like to go through a deployment, they just don't understand.

Not many will ever know what it's like to only talk to their husband on the phone for a 7 month period.

Not many will ever know what it's like to run to the store to buy everything their husband asked for, squeeze it into a small flat rate box, find an old receipt to write "I loveeee you" on and fill out a customs form by memory. BEFORE 1700. Hate that the post office closes so early. They definitely need a 24 hour post office for military families - and they need to make it have a Filly-B's inside, am I right!?

Not many will know what their husband is thinking about when he thinks he is about to die.

Not many will have to ask their husbands what they would want from them if they did die.

And not many can say that after a 3 and a half minute conversation with their husband after 5 days of no contact, that they smiled all day long.

He is my best friend and it kills me not to talk to him. Something happens and I just wait anxiously for that phone call or email so I can tell him about it. When I'm sick, I have kidney stones, a headache, a fever... I just really need to hear from him and can't. When I have a bad day I rely on myself to get through it. It flat out, sucks. I want him, I need him, and I can't for another 80 something days? Yeah 80 something....ugh.

Weikle found out that he is going "out and about" again (he literally just got back from the last time). I am not very happy about where he is going but that doesn't really matter to the Marine Corps. He'll be gone quite a while between the two different places he is going. Here we are, the last stretch of the deployment and he is going to the worst place that he has gone so far - I. Do. Not. Like. This. I do know that he is really stoked to be going and he is doing really well. Let me rephrase that....he is doing as good as he possibly can without me :] haha. Ugh, I miss this handsome Marine of a man. Whatta stud.

But I'm asking everyone to keep him in their thoughts and help us get through the next 4 to 5 weeks. They are gonna be rough.

"Faith isn't faith until it's all you're holding onto."

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Wake Me Up When September Ends

It's finally September, that in itself is worth celebrating. I'm moving in 2 days, that is definitely a reason to celebrate. As far as I know (haven't spoke to the husband in 4 days) he officially picked up Sergeant. Lots of reasons to celebrate!! I just really wish I would have talked to him the day he got promoted, tell him how happy I was for him. Hopefully he really got promoted? I don't know why he wouldn't have...but it's the Marine Corps - who knows right?

I do wish I could just sleep through this month though...once the celebrating is over it is just me, myself, and I. I will be very busy, like I have been the past couple weeks, but I still feel like September will just be a useless month. That month that you wish didn't exist because it's still too far away for that "small number countdown". Maybe I will invest in some good sleep aid medicine - probably not, but it sounds like a good plan.

The past few weeks have gone by sooo fast. This week has been crazy and it is only Wednesday. I have done a million things all by myself. I didn't realize how much work it was going to be to do all of this moving stuff. Last time I moved, Weikle had done all the paperwork, set up the electricity, set up water, trash, and sewage, and just got everything squared away. All I did was show up and move our stuff in, everything else was out of sight, out of mind. Well not this time.

In the past week I have:

Gotten new tires on my car. (My tires were really bad, should have checked them sooner, woops)

Finished furniture projects, bought a car cover for the El Camino....

Went and picked up the ottoman and my parents furniture from the furniture store.

Helped my parents set up their new bedroom furniture.

Got all the boxes loaded in the trailer for moving day.

Paid rent, got renters insurance, change of address, set up electricity, got water...

Packed my room up.

And I still have to:

Wash the El Camino and shine the rims, unhook battery and put car cover on.

Load furniture into trailer.

Do laundry.

Wash my car.

Load last minute boxes and items in my car.

Load TV in my car.

Clean the garage room where all my stuff has been being stored.

Shave my legs for the first time in 2 weeks...if there is time?

Yeah it's that bad. I'm exhausted, and can't wait to be done moving.