Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Life (Day 61)

What to say....what to say? Life has been moving fast, and that is perhaps an understatement. I haven't blogged in over a week, not such a good idea. I will just briefly touch on a few things and later go into more detail - or maybe not - so much to say, not enough time.

It has been officially 2 months since the hubbs left. It feels like it has gone by very fast and very slow all at the same time, which is expected. I miss him terribly and probably the most stressed out I have been since he left. Like I said in the last post, he is out and about and prayers are greatly appreciated. I can't even begin to explain the sickness in my stomach as of late, it is almost unbearable at times. I find myself crying for silly reasons (more on that later) and I swear this man is my other half and I am being split in two. No one said this was going to be easy, but damn, this is ridiculous. Come home babe, I need you.

I need to give thanks, actually I need to give about 5 minutes of praising to someone who has been a complete life saver recently. Kelli, a woman I met in my English class this semester, has been absolutely amazing to me and I can not say how grateful I am enough. If you are reading this Kelli, thank you-thank you-thank you. I will also say that this woman is by far one of the most intelligent, caring, and down to earth people I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. Her and her family are constantly doing things that are admirable, constantly helping others and just constantly giving. She is someone I have learned from and definitely someone I hope to resemble when I am her age. I am thrilled to have met her and her family and hope we will remain in touch.

So, English class will officially be done tomorrow. 15 page research paper-check. Powerpoint presentation- check. Never having to take another English class- check. This class was by far the hardest 5 weeks of my life and I don't think I have put any more time and effort into anything else in my life. Can you say exhausting? (And yet I am up til 11pm).

Because of the amount of time I have spent finishing up my project, I have lost a lot of sleep. I have had no time to do anything else (blogging especially), and no time for myself. To sum it up, I have been tired and grumpy. Being tired and grumpy has made me an emotional wreck. Driving home I have cried for no reason, laying in bed I have cried for no reason... just a sobbing mess. Some how I pull myself together, put my face on, eat breakfast and carry on the rest of the day. But it has been hard. In the past week I have gone from being angry to just curling up in a ball and crying for my husband to come home, even for a second, just to get one of those amazing kisses or one of those tight hugs. I have felt a little unsupported throughout this semester, not being able to share my accomplishments with my hubby has been hard. Basically I would wait for him to get home from work, tell him everything I was so proud of myself for doing (one time that included killing a spider LOL) and listen to him tell me how equally proud of me he was. I will say, that if he were here, that if he could see the things I am doing and the things I will be doing, he would be proud. He would be DAMN proud. That is what drives me.

When I spoke with the hubby the other day I started crying for a minute, he said, "Britt don't cry it's okay". I told him I was exhausted, mentally and physically. I asked him, "How do you do it babe? How do you do what you do?". I asked him how he could be so strong. How can he miss me so much, work such long hours, and deal with the living conditions he does? How can he do that without ever crying? Without ever complaining? It blows my mind... here I am saying how tired I am after a week of hard times, and he never gets a day off... He asked me "Like what day is it? Is it a Saturday or like Wednesday?". How he does what he does, I will never know.

I do know why he does what he does. It took me quite awhile to realize why he would risk not coming home to me, why he would risk his life (Obviously I know he loves what he does, and loves the Marine Corps). But I realized that it is because he loves what he has so much. He loves me and the life we have and wants other people to have it too. It was at this moment (a few months ago) that I agreed that it was okay for him to go to war (Wasn't my choice, he would have to go anyway...but I like to think I had a say). And I will leave you with one last thing about the hubby--I told him when he goes "out and about" he better not try to be a hero or anything (selfish of me). He said "I would rather die saving another Marines life than come home alive knowing I didn't". And I replied "Me too". And I believe at this moment, I became a real Marine wife.

California for 2 weeks of Friday! Ahh vacation....I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Feels oh so good.

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