Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Things I Can't Remember (Day 95)

Hang with me as I try to cover a few topics in one post. Business first, possibly tears second.

I am extremely thankful to have met someone here in Arizona (Kelli) that I can truly call a good friend. We had an awesome time today at Ikea (my first time!) and treated ourselves to a delicious lunch. We headed to Home Goods, and believe it or not, I walked out empty handed. This was step one to breaking my addiction people. She listened to me go on and on about my struggles and although she couldn't relate - it felt really good to know she cared and listened. So Kelli, thank you for today! Later I will post a picture of what she got me for a house warming gift that she totally didn't need to get, but I love it so I can't turn it down.

It's been 95 days ladies and gentlemen. And even though it is only 3 months, I'm realizing it's still a long time. I haven't kissed my husband in 3 months, I haven't even looked at him in 3 months. I underestimated this. Completely. Weikle had told me before he left that around the 3 month mark is when it gets tough, it's when feelings change and its when I won't feel like I love him as much as I did. I said, "No way, not happening". And I was right, I still love him and miss him just as much if not more than the day he left. BUT, I do have to agree that things have changed. And that is tough to say, very tough to say. I want to be honest with you all, tell you what it's really like to have the love of your life at war. It's not all good, it's not just this lovey-dovey fairytale deployment like everyone might think. So the whole reason for this blog is to share the ups and downs of being a Marine wife....here it goes.

I can't remember the feeling I would get when he would walk in the room, that feeling that made my knees weak is nothing more than a memory that I can't remember. I can write about it, tell you about it, but the truth is - I don't really remember.

It's becoming difficult to picture the expressions he made with his face when he would talk to me. You know, the important ones. The "I love you Britt", the "I'm gonna kick your ass". I can't picture those faces vividly anymore.

There was only so long I could go without washing his pillowcase, without washing the last shirt he wore. I had to suck it up, put them in the washer, and say goodbye to the little bit of him that was fresh. And now I can't remember what he smells like after working all day, that manly "I'll work as long as I live" smell. Sucha man.

It was maybe a few weeks of putting his camis on the floor of my bedroom to feel like he was still here that I realized he wasn't. So I packed them up. I can't get the feeling of taking off boots, washing dirty socks. The things I fell in love with. I not only loved every part of him but I loved every part of him that had to do with the Marine Corps. It's what made him who he is today. It's our life.

I don't remember the lines from The Office that he would laugh at; I used to know them by heart. He would say them with the character, and then laugh like he never watched the episode before. He had seen each one as least 25 times - not an exaggeration.

His hands. I don't know the roughness to smoothness ratio anymore. Who knows what they feel like right now. That drives me crazy. His hands were the biggest turn on to me. He would put his right hand on my thigh no matter where we were driving and squeeze it as he was talking to me (In a non-perverted way).

I forget the feeling of a fresh haircut. Once a week I got to feel that close shave on the back of his head and I loved it. That's what I loved about Sunday...

The honest truth is that I can't feel these feelings. It's not about remembering memories, it's about getting those feelings. The feeling of when I look into his eyes I know damn well he is thinking the same thing I am - life is amazing with you. I love my husband, he means the world to me. And that will never change. But not feeling the little things - not getting that blood rush to my head when he kisses me, not feeling super hot when he takes his shirt off...it kills me.

The one person I count on isn't here. The phone calls are pretty much the same, week after week. Don't take this the wrong way, I love talking to him on the phone. But seriously, communicating only by a telephone for the past three months is just crazy. It's not enough for me. I need him, I need our life back. I need to look into his eyes and know everything about our world. I need the reassurance, the backup that he's here - in front of me. He has the smile I need at 6 in the morning, the warmth I need on a rainy day, the man I need forever. And the phone does not give this to me. The phone gives me delayed reactions, monotone conversations, and dropped calls. If our love wasn't so amazing, this deployment would be much easier. If he wasn't my best friend, this deployment would be much easier. I'm lucky to have found such a unique love, a man that is my ultimate, the man version of me. Without this man, I would not know these feelings that I miss. I would not be loved unconditionally every day.

-If everyone could please keep my husband in their thoughts and prayers I would really appreciate it. The next two weeks are going to get pretty rough for him. I know most of you have been and I can't thank you enough, seriously.


  1. Awgh Brit---I'm so glad you captured in writing your true feelings about this time in your life. It's so theraputic to write about moments in our life, and that's all this is, a moment. Before you know it he will be home and all these "little" things will fall right back into place. Stay strong, but don't get down on yourself for crying every now and then. You have to allow yourself to feel everything so that you can grieve appropriately and move past them. I had a great time with you yesterday!!! Thank you for the beautiful things you said. I can't say that I know what your going through, but I am always here to listen.

  2. Ya'll are so stinkn' cute! Keep the love strong lady, Your Marine is worth it:)