Tuesday, July 20, 2010

(Stupid-Low-Number Day)

Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow. Does it make a difference? No. I'm extremely frustrated on the inside, my anxiety has kicked in full force today. I don't have enough time to do things, then I have way to much time to do things. All I have is time, and this blog. I'm disappointed that I still have 40 or so days before I move back to Cali. And I got to thinking...although I am super stoked to get moved into my new apartment it doesn't change the fact that he won't be there with me. My brain seems to think that if I go back to California things will be the way they used to be, Errr---wrong. I can't say that I don't want to move there, I definitely do, but I'm in denial. Once I get there I will have tons to do and be completely happy to have my own space. BUT, that bed will still be empty, I'll still be cooking for one, and no one needs their lunch packed or breakfast made. Blah. I know I am just bitching right now, sorry.

Finally got to speak with my husband. Unfortunately, under the circumstances he was in, he has ant bites all over his body now. Other than that, the sand box is treating him well. Hopefully when he gets back to where he is originally supposed to be he will have 3 of my packages waiting for him. It seems like the longer he is gone the more I need/want to talk to him. Like 15 to 30 minutes every week is just not enough. We have talked more often than that before but now that he is out and about, it has slowed. We get off the phone and I feel like I need to talk to him again - I neeeed more of him. We talked about things I have bought for the house, things he has been doing while "out and about". He was very talkative and was pretty stoked to tell me all the things he has done. It was nice to hear the excitement in his voice and get some emotion out of him. Almost three months down so of course were missing some things like crazy, like umm "it". Soo we talked a lot about what that will be like when he comes home and just how damn attractive we both are and how much we need one another (haha). Sorry for the TMI's in the lives of the Weikle's.
I'm just really hoping that we can Skype, even once. It might not be great for him because I will most likely be crying the majority of the time. It might not even be a good thing to Skype with him at all. I mean, won't that make me want to Skype with him again? And if he's gone and we can't, I will be bummed out. Skype is like the ice cream I shouldn't eat, because if I do I know I will want some tomorrow too. I reallllly want too though. To look at him, to see those green eyes and great bone structure...his hair, I always loved feeling the back of his head after his haircut. I miss that just-shaved feeling. I can't imagine looking at him, seeing him sitting there while I am sitting here. I want to look him in the eyes and tell him how much I love and need him, and I want to watch him say it back. Just once would do. His face, after it hasn't been shaved in awhile, that is what I want to see. I want to smell his smell, the way he smelt after a long day at work. The way he smelt after a shower, every time I smell Old Spice I remember washing his back for him. And I can't smell him or feel him but I am dying to see him, literally dying. It's too bad I couldn't record our conversation so I could watch it whenever I needed too. Well, who knows. I shouldn't be daydreaming about this, don't know when/if it is going to happen anytime soon.

Ab workout and then movie time. It's going to be a late night.

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